by Caelan Biehn
October 5, 2018

So this is my very first year ever doing fantasy football. I’ll be honest, I like football, always have, but I’m much more of an NBA guy. NFL is certainly exciting and probably the greatest sport in the world, but the speed of play in basketball, as well as the fact that I can actually see the players faces always made me much more interested. Nothing more satisfying than watching ankles break on some shifty ball handling. Not the mention buzzer beaters….But as soon as our draft happened this year, which i did haphazardly and basically just picked players whose names I liked, I was fucking HOOKED on this shit. It’s like a drug. I feen for this shit day in and day out every week. I went from being an “Eh” football guy to a full on addict. I guess that’s what fantasy does to you.

But this is a fantasy football blog, and not just fantasy in general, but fantasy team names…

I was always under the impression, as an outsider, that you’re supposed to name your team in a punny way based on the players you have on your roster. Looking at my very first round of fantasy opponents, just about nobody seemed to be doing this. So was I wrong? Or do all my co-workers suck at naming their teams? I want your opinion Aceholes!

Here’s the current list of our Carolla Fairy Tale Fantasy Football League Team Names:

A Good Night’s Rest - Dave Dameshek
Sonny’s Super Team - Sonny Carolla
Beaks Jive Ass RaFFs - Nathan Beaks (Last year’s champ)
Luck Sucks - Dylan “Triple Check” Renn
Lesbian Screwdrivers - Brian Petillo
How Ju I Ju This? - Caelan “John Connor” Biehn
And That’s At Rest - “White Kevin Hart” Chris Atkins
Birdbath Brady & co. - Gary “Half-Tard” Smith
AndrewL’s Team - Andrew LeBel
Bald & The Beautiful - Bald “Point Shitter” Bryan Bishop
Here Comes The Bewm - Matt “The Porcelain Punisher” Fondiler & Chris “Maxapada” Laxamana

12 Teams, 12 ranks. Although I encourage you to all make your own rankings. Some are inside jokes that I will try to explain and I’m sure there are others that even I don’t get. So lets Get into it.

LAST PLACE - #12 : AndrewL’s Team
Many of you probably remember Andrew from the infamous and widely popular bit “Will Andrew Eat it?” He’s since moved back home but is such a fantasy football enthusiast we let him stay in the league. Although we probably shouldn’t have based on this shit “team name”. AndrewL’s Team??? Are you kidding me? How about a little effort there bud. Last Place.

#11: And That’s At Rest
Chris…I love you buddy. You’re one of my favorite people on the planet but what the fuck does this mean? Is it a slang term I’m not getting? Does it mean something along the lines of “I’ve already won”. I really just don’t understand WTF this means, so I gotta place you second to last…sorry my friend. #11

Gabe…you have one person on Green Bay, Geronimo Allison, who if you were to make a pun about a Green Bay player, doesn’t seem like the one to do so, nor is it a pun about him anyway. He’s putting up okay numbers but this team name is neither funny, exciting, nor thought provoking. Gotta sit ya at #10 Bud.

#9: Lesbian Screwdrivers
I have no idea what this mean. When I tried to look up if this was some kind of slang for something else, well, lets just say I may have gotten sidetracked for about 15-20 minutes before continuing this blog. And even though I don’t know what this is being referred to, the title made me giggle the first time I saw it, so I gave him #9.

#8: Luck Sucks
Dylan had a different name starting out, I don’t remember what it was but as soon as he changed it to this Luck put up his biggest game of the season so far. So although your title sucks, I gotta give some points for whatever you did to make Luck a better QB all of the sudden. #8

#7: A Good Night’s Rest
This is Dameshek’s team. I don’t know how many fantasy teams he’s in but I’m sure it’s a hell of a lot. I’m also sure this is the one he cares the least about. I mean he traded away Kareem Hunt for fucks sake. Our draft night got fucked up a bit and we had to change our draft time from 7pm to 10:15. This was apparently too late for the great Dave Dameshek to stay awake so he auto drafted. Therefore, Dylan named his team: A Good Night’s Rest. Not a great name, but kinda funny after the drama that went on during draft night. #7

#6: Sonny’s Super Team
This title would be way farther down the list aside from the fact that he does apparently have one super fucking team. Kickin' the rest of our asses right now in wins and points. I still can’t believe I gave up Jared Goff for him to pick up. It was a rookie mistake on my part. I didn’t know how things worked and I hate that he was the one to pick him up. That one’s on me for not knowing what I was doing. My apologies to the rest of the league. #6

#5: Beaks Jive Ass RaFFs
This name is fucking weird. Apparently Beaks just really likes giraffes…I had to ask him what RaFFs meant and he just wrote back “Giraffes =P”. It’s so out there I had to laugh at it when he sent that email back to me. Giraffes…really? WTF? It’s so out there I bumped him up a few points. I also just like that he used the term “Jive Ass”. Feel like I don’t hear that nearly as much as I’d like to these days. I’m giving you #5 buddy.

#4: Here Comes The Bewm
IF! Seattle’s Legion of Boom was still around, and IF they had anyone from the Seahawks in their roster I would say this is A+ hands down #1 team name. However, not only does the legion of boom no longer exist, they have NO players on the Seahawks, there’s no way I can allow this within the top 3 names. It does have Fondiler’s classic Bewm drop in the name, and I like the pun. So #4 for you guys. If even you are auto draft little bitches…(And not even for a semi-good reason like Dameshek had)

#3: Bald & The Beautiful
What can I say? As a balding man myself I hold a soft spot in my heart for this team name. BALD IS BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE! Get used to it, even if I’m not quite there yet myself. It’s punny, it’s funny, and he’s sitting at a clean second place in the league right now so I must grant one of the more clever names to the Beautiful Bald Bryan. #3

#2: Birdbath Brady & Co.
This is what I expected from fantasy team names!…It’s a pun with not only his QB but also a reference to a fantastic podcast he produces called Daves Of Thunder. Check it out sometime, you won’t regret it. It’s everything I was hoping for in a fantasy team name and never really got from anyone else. You may be in last place my friend, but you’re team name is spot on. Thank you for sticking with traditional fantasy naming protocol. I salute you sir. Strong #2


#1: How Ju I Ju This?
Me. Of course it’s me. But I’m not wrong. My team name is A+. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, this is my first year. I gave up Jared Goff for Andy Dalton…I originally named my team “How Do I Do This?”, but then it hit me…I have JuJu Smith-Schuster. This is so spot on fantasy naming I haven’t stopped laughing at my incredibly clever brain ever since I changed it. No question I have the best fantasy team name in the entire league, even if I am in 7th place. As long as I don’t come in last place by the end of the season I will not only count this year as a win, but will shit talk whoever finishes below me for months and months to follow all the way up until next year starts.